I Couldn't Decide Which Picture I Liked More.

The Stooges are getting my Retro Review treatment for today. They would’ve been first but Sabbath inspired me so I couldn’t just cast them aside could I? Let’s cut the bullshit and get right into it.

The Stooges – Opens with “1969,” which has some of the most sophomoric lyrics of all time but the vibe is cool and so is the riff. It’s one of two “classics” from here. Up next? The other “classic:” a simple ode to S&M that feature one hypnotizing riff and some menacing lyrics. Love at it’s most fucked up. “We Will Fall” is plain filler. The rest of the album follows the same basic formula as the first two songs: Nuggets box set mixed with hard liquor and harder drugs, a very good thing. Check “Little Doll,” which fronts the best riff on the album.

Fun House – Uh…God blessed Iggy and the crew on the next two and he subsequently blessed me. Thanks Lord. This opens with “Down on the Street,” which sets the template: killer rhythm section, weird never-done-before-and-never-done-after guitar, and Iggy Fucking Pop. What else do you pussies need? Really answer me? The first three songs are the “normal ones” as they all last under five minutes and are more conventional but only when compared to the other stuff. Four, Five and Six are huge. All going over five minutes and making noise seem like art. And the last song is…well basically noise. It’s the sound of drums being banged around and Iggy yelling and noise and destruction but oddly it never feels like filler, only the perfect ending to an insane album. I feel like I should type more because I champion this album so viciously but all attempt to chronicle how this album makes me feel seem futile.

Raw Power – A little precursor before we get on with it: the Stooges broke up after Fun House and Iggy went to England with David Bowie to become a solo artist. He took along an unknown, then and now, guitarist James Williamson to help write songs. Whilst in Brit-land the lesser Glitter Twins decided they needed a rhythm section so they called the Asheton brothers (who, if you don’t know, were in the Stooge but the new bass player instead handled six string duties in those days. That cause much tension as you can imagine) to fill the spot. And they became Iggy and the Stooges to better sell Iggy as a person and an image, which succeed beautifully. If some asshole had me describe this album in one word, I’d pick “LOUD.” And if that same asshole wouldn’t let me use that word (who dictates what words you can use anyways? Fuck), I’d pick “RIFFS.” This is the most perfect guitar album I’ve ever heard. There’s every type of guitar that could be imagined for an album released in 1973. It opens with “Search and Destroy,” which sports a killer riff (but every song does so I’m not gonna be redundant and say that anymore) and some insightful lyrics by Iggy. Such gems include “I'm a street walking cheetah with a heart full of napalm,” and “I’m the world forgotten boy/ the one who searches and destroy.” Might not be Dylan but Iggy ain’t stupid. The rest of the album falls into three categories basically hard rockers (the aforementioned opening track, “Penetration,” “Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell,” and “Death Trip,” which I’ve written about before, all fall here), or rock and roll that moves and shakes the hips like old ‘50s dragster bands (the title track and “Shake Appeal” get you movin’) and ballad-y type songs, meaning only that they are a little slower and feature a little more acoustic guitar but they’re no Barry Manilow; they are just as intense musically and lyrically as anything else on this fucker. “Gimme Danger,” which has some misogynist lyrics to boot (“Swear you’re gonna feel my hand”) and “I Need Somebody,” which features Iggy proclaiming, “I’m living just to sing this song.” I’ve never believed anything so purely.

Metallic K.O. – This is quite possibly the greatest rock and roll album of all time or it could be the worst; it depend wholly on how you like your R n R. If you like it clean and precise and exact and produced and delicate, then go listen to the fuckin Monkees. If you think rock and roll should be dangerous and a little scary and that there should always be the feeling that the guys on stage are crazier than you and could come down and beat the shit out of you at any minute then this is your record. The wreck is going to fast and the conductor is on pills and the track is out at the next turn and the bodies are gonna be piled up when it’s all over with and there’s gonna be a lot of fucking bodies. Do you like that feeling? This is your record. But if you like option A, then steer clear cause these performances are so ramshackle and unprofessional that it’s amazing this stuff was ever released. At one point Iggy yells for the band to “take it down” (as in take the volume down) and it takes the sad fuckers close to two minutes to do it competently. This as well as anything proves my point about the band being wretched bums. The record has a great back-story and it’s essential to understanding what was going on. After Raw Power was released the boys kept touring and kicking around with absolutely no success. So the drugs and the internal hatred and the…well everything that happens to bands took it’s toll and by 1975 (I think this is when this was recorded) the band was fucked. But this is their last show ever (at least the first half of this albums is, I’m not concerning you with the other half cause I’m lazy.) But I’m getting away from why this album is so fucked up. Iggy got in a fight with some Scorpions (a biker gang in the vein of the Hell’s Angels, not “Rock You Like a Hurricane” type of Scorpions) the night before this show. And so he went on a radio station to promote said show and made some comments to the effect of “If you pussies want to do something about it, we’ll be at this club at this time and I’m the lead singer. So come and do your worst.” Well biker gangs apparently pay a lot of attention to the radio and they came down and did some damage. You can hear shit getting thrown at the stage on the tape. Eggs, glasses, camera, chairs it’s all being hurled at poor Ig. He didn’t do much to stop it though; actually provocation was the James’ game. The most classic of count in to a song ever is uttered here: “ONE, TWO, FUCK YOU PRICK” kicks off “Cock in My Pocket.” Then other great lines such as “You pay ten buck and I’m getting 10,000. So fuck ya.” And other things about how great Iggy thinks he is (and how great he probably really is) and about how he’s gonna fuck these pissed off biker’s girlfriends. It almost brings a tear to my eye to hear Iggy say, “I never thought it would come to this,” before the band kicks into a version of “Louie, Louie” with some particularly offensive lyrics courteous of Ig. One of the greatest, and most unappreciated, bands of their time goes out like a frat’s house band. Playing “Louie Louie” to a completely inattentive audience, well I guess hatred is a form of attention, so forget that. But at the end of it all you can hear something whiz by the stage and Iggy say “You missed again; come back and try next week” or some shit like that. Then WHACK and you can hear Iggy hit the floor because somebody finally put the loud bastard on the ground. UNBELIEVABLE. (I didn't talk about the music at all did I?)