You Should Also NOT be Listening to...

I’m sick and fucking tired of shorthaired metal band. I know metal is lame and all but I seriously think it’s because of the shorthair factor. Q: When metal is cool who are the raddest bands in town? A: Sabbath, Slayer, Deep Purple, Blue Cheer, Motorhead, Soundgarden, Kyuss, Body Count (if you have a song called “Cop Killer” you get automatic mention on any “awesome band” list I make). What’s the common factor here? If you guessed “long hair” congratulations you have won. I’ll give you your prize in a more intimate setting.

All these shorties nowadays like Converge, Coalesce, Norma Jean, As I Lay Dying, Eighteen Visions, Between Me and the Buried, Boy Set Fire, ect are ruining metal for me. (I also hate their pretentious assed names; just think of other emo-sounding names but with more references to death and it’s probably a metal-core band’s name.) People see these shitty-ass bands and think all metal is this BAD but check out some of the aforementioned longhaired bands and you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Plus most of these bands sound exactly the fucking same: chugging muted dropped D power chords and the infamous dog barking cookie monster vocals with maybe some double kick drum under it all. Lame. If you can’t sing either a) try anyways and go for the out-of-tune-but-passionate thing or b) don’t sing at all. Simple.

You’re probably not even close to wondering: so what inspired this unintelligent rant? I was watching HeadBanger’s Ball last night and the only longhairs I saw were Led Zeppelin and, shockingly enough, they were also the only good band I saw. So I’m urging anyone in a metal band or thinking about starting a metal band to grow your hair past your shoulders, starting doing drug and then start writing fuzz-toned songs about those same drugs, Satan, and/or dragons in the sky of some other universe. Come on guys don’t let me down.